im not ur personal Porcelain Ragdoll

Friday, August 25, 2006

i should stop putting myself in a bad spot..
ming ming ke yi avoid de shi qing..
i still go for it..
and in the end.. end up feeling humiliated..

ok.. i know.. i won't go anymore..
thanks for always inviting..
but someone doesn't like it...
and ends up with one spiting another..

actually i really don't mind hanging out with them...
budden.. it's kinda hard since im not really like "friends"
more like "ReLatIveLy"...??

maybe it's an age issue??
but then again, i realise that our circle of friends, or people we [know] are interlinked!!
so how much can age be an issue?!?!?!
ivan's even like what.. 30+ ????

think again, maybe it's a blood issue..
yea it probably is..
but i probably wouldnt have known them if it weren't for blood..

sigh.. i've got seriously horrible EQ man..
i can't relate..
i just live in my own world.. and in my own wild imagination..
cant i juz stop thinking so much.. and fang de kai?
i thought i used to.. and was happy then..
then.. what happened???
because i was affected by some changes..
it hurts physically, mentally and spiritually..
when something gets close.. i choose to avoid and run away..

is it my lack of confidence??
but if i wasnt like this.. i sure would have a whole lot more to say and do...
i'm afraid to know the consequences if i accept somethings even things that i would really want deep down inside..

even if i bi duan yang chang..
it's only temporarily..
i can't do it all the time..

i find no meaning living like this..
it'll be good if i go do some meaningful work like volunteery activities?
maybe for the blind?
so that i won't have to worry of what they may think of me when they "see" me..
but rather them see me with their hearts...

maybe a lot of people around me do see with their hearts..
but even i can make myself not see with my own eyes..thus i can't help but think that people will judge me through their eyes too..

precious porcelain ragdoll
10:17 AM