im not ur personal Porcelain Ragdoll

Saturday, September 09, 2006

turn back time please??

the 1st time i heard this song...
i remember nicole telling me how this song applied to us during our judo camp..
yes.. camp was freaking tough..
even though we suffered a lot.. i enjoyed it.. saddistic maybe? nah.. to me..that was team spirit..
i couldn't really understand why she felt this song related to us..
but if she really felt this song was about our lives then..
she was probably feeling shitty..
maybe she went through a lot with the judo team.. and everything was coming to an end..
she cherished judo as well as the team very much..
maybe she was having her own problems then..or the reluctance to go...

but now.. i think this song is really how i'm feeling..
it's crap.........
sigh...
i wonder how i could be so happy one day.. and the next i plunge into depression again..
but i can't help not accumulating all these rubbish feelings..!!

that night, xiao an recalled that i was "diagnosed" with "split personality" after taking a personality test during last years leadership camp..

alright.. maybe it's true.. since i'm showing signs of it..
but this is in bad terms!!!!
my split personality used to be like happy to ultra crazy!!!!

and now it's wad?!?!?
extreme shit?!?

maybe my being happy the past days were juz masking all those misery deep inside...

i just WANT to be happy!!!! for a REAL LONG TIME........

i thought psychologists say that screaming helps..
i screamed today...
as loud as i could into my blanket...
but did it help?

no...

life sUX when u dun belong...
What am i suppose to do?
what am i suppose to be??

studying is so not my forte...
i wanna start all over again....

time doesn't allow....

precious porcelain ragdoll
11:40 PM